We beamed as we looked down on the world' most beautiful blue-eyed, blonde, curly-headed baby. However, somewhere in the endless playing of video games, reading Jon Stewart and avoiding all school and home assignments, he has morphed into the creature from the abysmal sinkhole.
His footprints in the ooze are size thirteen, indicating feet shod in costly peculiar appurtenances, which may be laced only one specific way. The yellow and green laces must not be tied but tucked somehow into all that space. From the feet we must crane our necks upward to see more of this abominable shoe man.
His jeans and shorts must be only certain brands, and large enough for two of his skinny butts side by side. In each leg. His shadow looms wide and threatening in these drawers. But the shirts! Ah, the shirts must pass rigorous requirements!
They mainly must be football jerseys size large or above. Keep in mind that football players usually are pretty big guys, and then their jerseys have to go over extensive protective padding. So one has great difficulty in determining just how large this mutant really is. But not just any football jersey will serve.
The one in current favor is a Favre, with the name and number 4 sewn on in tackle twill. This kid, oblivious to everything else, can tell an applique from a screen print at thirty yards. He distinguishes between Throwback, Authentic and Replica jerseys.
The Authentic apparently must be the actual quality of the player's jersey. If the player is retired, or if he has changed teams, the jersey he wore before is the Throwback. Occasionally one must make do with a Replica, which is available most anywhere, and sadly, screen-printed.
The lower left sides of the jerseys display jock tags. On these, the Replicas give minimal information; the brand name, or name of the maker. Some jock tags give the brand, a picture of the team helmet if for football, or a basketball logo if otherwise. Believe it or not, the smaller the jock tag, the more important the shirt! Since the actual team jerseys get tucked in for games, the tags can't be seen anyway.
Who would have suspected that the creature require such attention to sartorial details? (I last encountered a like persnicketiness when I was a member of an antique collectors club full of ole folks) There are differences between them and him, however. He actually wears his collection and he is much younger.
In any case, the excessive size of his clothes determines his gait. He must swing each leg around in a wide half circle as he walks. Otherwise, the mighty pants of choice would drop around his ankles, impeding his forward progress and scandalizing his public with an unscheduled exposure of all of his underwear, not just the prescribed six inches below the natural waistline. He finds it impossible to push a shopping cart and walk at the same time because his arms are put into use constantly hitching at his sides to prevent such accidental drop of trou.
Might there be a glimmer in the muck? To be fair, he handles these clothes in a manner not typical of usual behavior. When they need to be washed, he cares for them according to the directions on their inner tags. When dry, he folds them gently and puts them away himself! Yes! There is morphing!
May one hope this morphing process will expand into areas vitally important to his future? At some point will the monster be vanquished just like on Level 6 of one of his video games?